i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Someone signed my nipple.
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