I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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