Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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