My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
