I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize