On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
