she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize