haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
