I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
