this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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