It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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