Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
