Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
