True but thats because hes a fetus.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
