i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
