i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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