Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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