we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
