On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
