Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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