The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
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