i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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