We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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