I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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