i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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