I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
