They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
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