I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
