I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
