It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
