I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
