Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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