I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
