brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
