Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
