Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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