I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
