i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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