The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
