I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
