Just fell off a train. Bad.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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