I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
