Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Randomize
