If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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