Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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