I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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