when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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