...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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