apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
