Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
