I met the friendliest cop last night
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
