u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
