My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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