I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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