Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
